


Hard Choices

by StormyBear30



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-27
Updated: 2011-07-27
Packaged: 2017-10-21 19:43:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/229030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Hard Choices

“I said no…” Brian yelled over his shoulder as he trudged off towards the shower after making love to his blonde haired lover. “I will find a way to take care of it…just like I always have” he continued to scream through the open door before stepping under the wet and warmth of the shower head. Closing his eyes he tried to will the headache that had been hounding him since he lost his job months ago away. He was tired as hell…despite the fact that he no longer had a job to get up early for…nor the money to pay for extravagant things like drinking…booze and dancing. Yes…he was tired…but it wasn’t only those few things that ate at his energies…it was the constant worrying of another that drained them as well.   
Justin was just barely twenty-one…but he had the signs and appearance of a man of thirty. He had always been mature for his age. From the first moment that Brian had laid eyes on him all those years ago he had thought so…but fours years later he just looked plain exhausted. He didn’t’ care what Justin looked like…well maybe a little…but for the most part he just loved the little shit that had wormed his way into Brian’s heart without warning. He was fearful that little by little he was stealing the younger mans youth with his fuck ups and fuckings and felt powerless to stop it. He knew that Justin loved him…knew that he would do anything to make him happy and that alone was taking its toll on the once vibrant kid.

“You’re being an asshole Brian” he heard an annoyed voice speak out to him…startling him from his thoughts.

“When am I not being an asshole?” he questioned the much younger man with a sarcastic smile…before turning his attention back to shampooing his hair.

“It’s just for the time being…until you can get back on your feet again. He fucking owes me at least this much and…”

“What the fuck part of no did you not understand?” Brian snapped back…cutting him off before he could finish the words he had already heard over and over again before. “Jesus Justin…you are not asking your father for money…much less lying to him to get him to do it”

“It’s the only way Brian” Justin replied…lathering his hands up with a creamy bath gel…before laying them tenderly upon Brian’s heaving chest. “He told my mother that if I would admit to him that I am not gay…then he would pick up my tuition”

“And you are ok with lying about your sexual orientation in order to please your father?” Brian asked…his brow furrowed in frustration as he gazed into his lovers eyes. The answer reveled itself immediately…but within second’s once dazzling blue eyes turned hard and cold.

“I fucking hate that I have to hide the fact that am gay to him…but what I hate even more is the fact that I can’t make him see just how much you mean to me…just how much I love you” the boy sighed…leaning his head wearily upon Brian’s chest. He waited for it…although deep within his heart he knew that he would never say it…and true to his predictions he didn’t. Closing his eyes for the briefest of moments he took a deep breath…inhaling the light scent of the bath gel before beginning again. “I hate it Brian” he went on…lifting his head to look into his first and true loves eyes. “But…in the end it will be worth it…for the both of us”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore” Brian growled…diverting his eyes quickly before he got sucked into their beautiful depths. “You are not doing this and that is final” and with that said he turned off the facets…wrapped his nude frame in a towel and left Justin alone with his thoughts.

Anger of dynamic proportions consumed the younger man as he too grabbed a towel and dried off his wet body. He was tired…bone fucking tired of the great Brian Kinney and all the frustration that went with loving him. He needed a break…needed to get away from the man that he knew that he loved with an all fired passion…because he knew that if he didn’t that things between the two of them would never be the same again. “You know what Brian…fuck you. FUCK YOU…FUCK YOU…FUCK YOU” his cries got louder as he struggled into his street clothes. “For once this isn’t about you and your precious fucking ego. It’s about me and my life…the life that I need to discover. And if that means that I have to lie about my sexuality to get what I want…then I will fucking do it” with that said he grabbed his jacket from where it had landed when he had entered the house and ran like a mad man for the front door.

“Sunshine…what are you doing here baby?” Debbie asked in stunned surprise as the youngest member of her extended family stood upon the stoop looking as if his world was coming to an end. She didn’t have to know why…or more so who was the cause of these tears as she opened the door and allowed him to enter. “Come on in…have a seat at the table…Vic and I were about to have breakfast” he replied with a sigh…knowing that Justin had something heavy upon his heart and it was something that she was not going to like. “Are you fucking out of your mind?” her yells echoed around the house moments later after Justin had told his tale. “I hate to even say this…but for once I have to fucking agree with Brian”

“Jesus Christ…does no body understand what this is like for me?” Justin cut her off mid rant as he jerked himself from off of the chair and began to pace the room before the startled two. “Brian lost his job. He has depleted all of his funds from his account. He has no money and yet besides that I shouldn’t have to keep depending on him to take care of me. It’s the only way”

“Justin…”

“Debbie please…” Justin spoke with such sadness in his voice that he found it was almost impossible to speak. “I would love to be able to tell my father to fuck off and work my way through school. I would be willing to work as many hours as I had too…but as we all know the diner doesn’t pay enough for me to afford my books. I could start dancing at Babylon again…but what would be the point since I would be to tired to get through my classes. I have to do this. I have to worry about my future and my career path. Nothing is more important then that right now…doesn’t anyone get that”

“I get it” Vic spoke up weakly as he gave Justin a small smile of encouragement. “We gays have always had to fend for ourselves…hiding one way or another to make our mark on the world. You do what you have to do baby and then you make the biggest gay mark on the world that you can”

“Thank you Vic…I knew if anyone would …it would be you that would understand” Justin rushed out gratefully as he pulled the ailing man into his arms…kissing him tenderly upon the cheek. “I have to do this Debbie…no matter how much I hate it. I have to do this for me” he stated more adamantly as he stared into the mothering eyes of Debbie Novotny. “Please tell me that you understand”

“I understand baby…I hate it with an all fired passion…but I understand. There’s only one thing…” she went on…reaching across the table as she took his hand into her own. “What are you going to tell Brian?”

“Nothing…” was his tearful remark…as he returned to his seat…trying desperately to control his tears. “He won’t even listen to reason. It’s always about him and being in charge. Well he can’t be in charge of me anymore. I need to do this for me…and then when I am done maybe…” he could not finish his words for he knew that if he did he would never stop crying. “It’s better this way anyways. So if you don’t mind an added guest…do you think that I could have my own room back?”  
A few weeks later…

“Are you sure that he is going to go for this?” he heard the other passenger in the car he had borrowed question him.

“Huh…um…yeah…yeah…it’s going to work. It just has to” he replied absentmindedly as thoughts of another haunted his mind.

“Justin…Justin” his companion called him again…trying to get his attention for what felt like the hundredth time that night. “Justin…we’re here”

Dreadfully the two exited the car…in preparation of what was about to happen. It was going to be a night of lies and deception on everyone’s part…a night where everyone pretended that the obvious was not there…but one party not caring. Everything had been planned…set into motion week’s prior and that night was to be the final nudge to get what was desired. He had run into his father a few times intentionally with his lady on his arm. Had played the part of his life as together they played into the act of being more then just friends. They kissed…held hands…all the things that he was dying to do with another…but because of his needs and his pride would probably never do again. His father had fallen for it…hook…line and sinker…or so he pretended and after many weeks had invited the perfect couple to his place for dinner and a talk.

“Before we go in I just want to thank you for helping me Sam” Justin said urgently as he held his friends hand…stopping them in front of the door leading to his father’s home. “You have no idea how much this means to me”

“It’s no problem Justin” she spoke truthfully…placing her forefinger under his chin…lifting it up until his gaze was equal to hers. “I’m just sorry that you have to play this little game to get your father to help you”

“It’s ok…” he lied sadly…images of Brian once again bombarding him.

“No Justin…it’s not” she went on. “It’s not fair that you have to be with me…when it is so obvious that you are in love with another. I’m just sorry that you have to go through so much hurt in order to get what you deserve”

“Thank Sam…you’re the greatest” Justin rushed out…tears misting his eyes as he pulled his only straight friend into his arms…crushing her to his slightly shivering frame. “I love you…”

“I love you too” she said with a small smile…hating the fact that her friend was hurting and missing the man that he truly loved. She had never met Brian…but she knew enough about him to know that he meant everything to Justin.

“And I love to see this” they both heard an excited voice cry out before them…causing the two of them to jerk apart…full fledged blushes covering there faces. “Come in…come in” he spoke animatedly as he took Justin’s girlfriend by the hand…leading them into the house. The dinner was a great success…at least in the eyes of Craig Taylor as he watched his formally gay son with his new girlfriend.

 

Six months later…

“Why don’t you go and talk to him” Sam nudged Justin as they sat at the back of the diner before classes started.

“No…it’s ok. I’m so over Brian Kinney that it isn’t even funny” he lied…never once breaking the lock that his eyes held on the man that still held his heart. The truth of the matter was that he was far from over Brian. In fact he loved him even more then he ever thought was possible with each day that passed. Not only did he hate the fact that he hadn’t so much as touched the man that he loved like no other…but he also hated the fact that Brian didn’t seem to be phased by his absence at all.

What Justin didn’t know that Brian was just as miserable as he was…although he hated to admit it even to himself. He missed Justin…missed having him around. He missed not waking up next to his young and taunt body…but most of all he just missed having the kid around. He loved Justin…he knew that he did and he hated the fact that he had to lie about who he was in order to get what he needed. But…what pissed him off more then anything was the fact that he wasn’t able to give him everything that he needed. He had a plan however…one that he knew he was going to have to work long and hard for…but in the end as long as Justin got what he needed and deserved…it was a plan that was going to be worth the sweat and the tears.

“Aren’t you going to go and talk to him?” he heard his best friend ask him.

“No…why should I?” he replied snottily…not really feeling the emotion behind his words.

“Because it obvious that you miss him and it’s so obvious that he misses you since he hasn’t taken his eyes off of you since we got here” was Michael’s observant reply as he cupped his friend’s hands where they lay on top of the table. “You may think that you have everyone else fooled with your little game of anger Brian…but you don’t have me fooled. You love the little asshole…despite the fact that you constantly deny it. Jesus Brian…I really hate the fact that I have to defend the brat…but I have to say that I agree with what he is doing”

“You what…” Brian spat out his anger beginning to get the best of him. “Well of course you do” his nastiness continued as he jerked his hands away from the other most important man in his life. He didn’t know why he did it…but he always allowed his frustrated anger to control him…eventually hurting the ones that he loved most. “You’re the same person who hid their sexuality from their idiotic co-workers when you worked at the Big Q. You’re the same person whom still till this day refuses to march with your mothers PFLAG group. So try to shock me again Mikey…because this time your attempt didn’t work”

“You know what Brian…FUCK YOU” Michael screamed across the table…throwing a wad of money on it before storming off.

“Mikey wait…” he cried out to his best friend…but it only feel of deaf ears as he stormed out of the diner. “Just fucking great”

“Boy…you seem to be pissing people off left and right” he heard an unfamiliar female voice speak beside him.

“Yeah…well what can I say it’s all about my charm” was his not so nice retort. “Now if you will excuse me”

“He misses you” the young women went on sliding into the booth in front of him. “He won’t admit it but he does” she went on…fully understanding the reason that Justin was so smitten with the extremely handsome man.   
“You must be the new wife?” Brian spoke snidely…hating the fact that he was completely jealous of the women sitting before him. “Well you don’t know shit about me…so piss off”

“He’s only doing what he has to do” she continued undaunted by the man trying to intimidate her. “He’s only trying to be the best homosexual that he can be. You yourself taught him that. So how can you be so cruel as to judge him for what he needs to do to survive?”

Shaken at first by her words…he quickly pushed all emotion aside as once again his anger began to take control of him. “Putting yourself back into the closet and living a lie to please someone else is not being the best homosexual you can be. It’s called being a coward and not standing up for your principles”

“No…it’s called taking a horrible situation and doing what you have to do to get what you want…even if it means putting your morals on the back burner for awhile. Jesus Christ…do you think that he likes denying who he is? Do you think that after everything that had happened to him in the past…everything that has happened since he was bashed that he wants to hide his real self?”

“You don’t know anything about him being bashed” Brian spit…his face red and distorted at the audacity of this person that he did not know to speak to him like that. “You weren’t there that night” his rantings continued as he once again found himself back in time on the most horrible day of his life. You weren’t the one that watched as that fucker Hobbs smashed in one side of his head with a baseball bat. It wasn’t you that held him in your arms as he almost bled to death. It wasn’t you that hand his lifeless hand as they took him to the emergency room near death. You weren’t there…but I was. I was there…so don’t you fucking tell me…”

“Brian…” he heard his former lovers voice cry out to him. “Brian…let go of her” his words became louder as instant reality once again hit him between the eyes. At first he couldn’t speak…blinking rapidly as he took his first view of what it was that he was doing.

“I’m…I’m sorry” he stammered…as he gazed down at the girls whose eyes were as big as saucers. “I…I didn’t mean to…” his stammering continued as Justin pried his clenched hands from off of the front of his friends blouse.

“What…are you attacking young girls now?” Justin asked coldly…placing his arm protectively around his rouse.

“Justin…I didn’t mean to” he repeated his earlier sentence…completely embarrassed and ashamed at his blatant behavior. “I’m sorry…” and with that said he bolted for the front door in order to get away from Justin and the whole fucked up situation.

“Are you ok?” Justin asked…his voice full of concern.

“Wow…he really does love you” Sam spoke wistfully as she allowed Justin to help her into the booth beside them.

“What…what are you talking about?” Justin asked confused…checking over his friend once again to make sure that Brian had hurt her…although he knew that he could never hurt her. “Brian doesn’t love me…he doesn’t do love”

“No…that’s where you’re wrong Justin” she counted…taking his hands into her own “Brian does love you. He’s just afraid”

“Afraid of what…Brian’s not afraid of anything. Come on lets go…were going to be late for class”

“Afraid of losing you” she called after his retreating figure. “Jesus…I thought he was going to lose his mind when I brought up your bashing. He almost lost you that day and he’s so afraid of losing you that he pushed you away the first chance that he got. That way he can’t be hurt” she analyzed…smiling to herself when Justin returned to the booth.

“You seem to forget that I am the one that left him” Justin reminded.

“It may have seemed that way…but Brian started pushing you away a long time ago…you’ve been saying so all along” Sam gently reminded Justin.

“FUCK…” Brian cried out into the near empty loft. He hated the way that his words echoed back at him…hated the coldness that always seemed to surround the place since Justin had left. It was void of his laughter…his banter…his total being. The place was lonely…and has much as he hated to admit it…he was lonely. He hated being alone…hated not having his sunshine in his life…but most of all he hated himself for allowing his pride to place such a wedge between the two of them. “Fucking asshole” he ground out to himself as he dragged his sorry ass across the expanse of the loft towards the kitchen. He needed alcohol…and he needed large quantities of it. He knew that it was a simple fix…knew that it would only take away the pain for a short while…but a short while was better then nothing. Taking a long swig he allowed the liquid to burn its way down his throat…settling within his empty stomach. ***Just a few more glasses and all will be right with the world*** he thought to himself as he took another large swallow…nearly choking on it at the incessant banging up on his door. “What…” he cried out…bottle still in hand as he ripped it open…once again coming face to face with the women pretending to be Justin’s lover.   
“Look…I don’t have time for your shit…just shut up and listen and you can have Justin back in your life” she burst out…pushing her way past the man she was determined to get through even if it killed her.

At first he was too stunned to speak…shaking his head as if trying to clear the image standing angrily before him. “How the fuck did you know where I lived?” he spit out…slamming the door behind her before stumbling over to the couch.

“Please…you don’t think that Justin hasn’t come up with reason after reason to come by here?” she spoke loudly…hands on hips as she marched her way over to where he continued to sit. “I’ve walked past this place so many times with him…the I could get here with my eyes closed” she went on…putting her hand up when Brian went to speak. “Look Brian…I know that you don’t know me and probably could give to shits about what I have to say…but I am going to say it anyways. Justin in miserable without you…and just by looking at you its seems you feel the same way. I think that I have pretty much figured out why you are so upset…but Justin doesn’t care…you have to know that” she finished…sitting on the couch beside the man bent over…pinching the bridge of his nose without speaking.

“You are right…you don’t know shit about me and I sure as hell don’t appreciate you coming down here and…” he burst out…only to cut himself short at what came next.

“Sam…Sam are you in here?” he heard Justin cry out…his heart beating wildly within his chest at the sight of his love once again entering his loft. “Brian…I am so sorry” he rattled on…storming over towards the two of them…taking her hand as he practically dragged her across the floor. “I promise that it won’t happen again”

“Just tell him that you love him Brian” she screamed over her shoulder as she tried to resist the urgent urgings of her best friend. “Just tell him that you love him and that you understand and he will come back home”

“I’m sorry Brian” he heard Justin repeat stopping in the doorway one last time as he swept his gaze around the loft.

“Just fucking tell him” the frustrated girl screamed out one last time. As with a final shove she was thrusted into the damp hallway.

His heart froze within his chest as the door of the loft began to close. Tears misted his eyes at the realization that if he allowed Justin to leave him like that once again that he would no be coming back…ever. “I…I love you” he spoke fiercely…his words coming out barely above a whisper. Before he had a chance to think…react or do much of anything he found himself moving towards the door. “I love you” he spoke a bit louder…his feet moving just a bit faster in desperate need to close the distance between the two of them. Skirting out the loft door…he raced down the stairs two at a time before bursting out into the brightness of the day. “I love you…” he mantra continued as he spotted the two bickering at the corner before him. With increased speed he bridged the gap…grabbing Justin by the shoulder as he spun him around to face him.

“Brian…” Justin said unsure as to what Brian was up too…and too afraid to imagine what he truly wanted it to be.

“Justin…I…I…” he stammered…instantly forgetting the words he had been muttering mere moments before hand. He watched the hope rise within his in beautiful baby blues…only to disappear in an instant. With a sad smile the blonde turned from the man that he loved with all his heart and soul. “I love you” Brian blurted out.

“Wh…what did you say?” Justin asked incredulously.

“I said that I love you…and that I want you to know that I understand why you are doing what you are doing” he rushed out…unable to move despite the fact that he was dying to crush the younger man against his body and never let go. He didn’t have to worry about his need for it was fulfilled as Justin literally leapt into his arms. A surge of pure happiness began to surge through him as he held the young man just a bit tighter against his body. He knew that he had missed Justin since that morning he had left him in what felt like years ago…but what he didn’t realize was how desperately as he closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar scent of his love.

“So…so does this mean what I think it means?” Justin asked cautiously as he slid down the fine contours of Brian’s body.

“It means what you think it means” Brian spoke roughly…closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to control the emotions raging though his normally cold body. “If you’ll…um…”

“I do…” Justin cut him off once again wrapping his arms around the older mans neck before capturing his lips under his own. Without hesitation the kiss erupted into something primal and full blown as the world around them disappeared in an instant and it was only the two of them in the universe.

Sam couldn’t believe how happy the sight before her made her…couldn’t believe the amount of love that she felt rolling off the two as they continued to lock lips. “Good for you Justin” she whispered more to herself then anyone as with a final glance she took her leave…giving the two the somewhat privacy that they deserved.

One Year Later…

“Are you ready to do this” Brian asked his lover and partner as they stood outside the restaurant. “Because if we do this things with your father will never be the same again…probably even over for good”

“Brian I love you and I don’t care if he doesn’t understand or not. He was the one that demanded that I deny who I really was in order to help me with school. I gave him what he wanted. He wanted me with the perfect women and Sam fit that bill. Now that Kennetik is up and running and making huge amounts of cash I can finally tell my father exactly what I think of him” Justin spoke up sadly…hating the fact that despite how angry he was at this father…he still loved him.

“You’re only with my for my money aren’t you?” Brian teased…trying to lighten the mood…knowing that what they were about to do was going to hurt Justin deeply. He had tried to talk him out of it time and time again before that night…but Justin has been adamant that he was tired of the lies and the games. One several occasions he had even gone so far as to try and talk to his father about the lie that he was portraying…but his father was always unwilling to listen.

“Actually…I’m only with you for that glorious dick of yours” Justin laughed for the first time that day. “Do you have the check?” he asked…grasping onto Brian’s hand for support before they made their way into the restaurant.

“I have it” he replied softly…pulling Justin into his arms before kissing him softly upon his lips. “I love you Justin” he replied truthfully…still amazed that after a full year at how easily it just rolled of his tongue.

“I know and I love you too” Justin added with a smile as he leaned up and placed another gentle kiss upon lips that he would never tire of kissing over and over and over again. “Ok…” he said taking a deep breath. “Lets get this over with”

And with that said the two walked into the building knowing that a scene was about to follow…but neither caring as long as they had each other and the love that would consume them for always.

The End…


End file.
